Breaking Dawn

In so many ways, Breaking Dawn, Part One is a remake of The Deer Hunter. The first half of the movie is a seemingly endless wedding sequence and the second half is all about horrible things happening horribly to people who can barely comprehend just how badly they're screwed. That wedding is between Bella and her creepy boyfriend Edward. Those horrible things happening horribly include vampire/human sex so brutal that beds are crushed flat (bringing Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex to mind), the creation of a fast growing vampire baby whose womb kicks can break bones, a full-blown Werewolf vs. Vampire war over this vampire baby and, finally, somehow, a full-grown werewolf falling in love with said vampire baby. A surprising number of things happen in the second half of this film (after a first half that is typical for the series in that nothing much happens), but little tops the concept of a werewolf falling in love with a baby. Except for the scene where the werewolves have a group meeting and their psychic, English-language communications are dubbed over their growling. And the scene where Edward performs a cesarian section on his dying wife with his teeth. Have I mentioned that this movie is nuts?
This is the one where Bella and Edward tie the knot, but that does nothing to alleviate the rivalry between the two men in Bella's life. In fact, Jacob shows up to Bella's wedding and does his best to ruin her day because, you know, Edward is going to totally make her into a vampire and ruin her life. He's right, but crashing a woman's wedding and acting like a drama queen is just not cool, man. Like in Eclipse, Edward and Jacob are forced to team up to defend Bella, but their interactions are more hateful than usual this time around. With Bella dying thanks to his spawn totally wrecking her frail human body, Edward asks Jacob to kill him if Bella dies. Jacob refuses, not because he's a good guy, but because he'd want Edward to live with the crushing guilt. In the Twilight saga, spite is the name of the game. Glorious, painful spite. Both of these guys are awful.
Bill Condon, more than any other director involved in this series, knows exactly what kind of movie he's making here. This is not only the silliest film in the series, it's one of the silliest films I've ever seen, a collection of scenes so bizarre, off-putting and melodramatic that it has to be seen to be believed. Just direct your attention to the Hot Supernatural Action section if you don't believe me. To put it bluntly: this sh*t is nuts. Condon's direction is Douglas Sirk by way of David Cronenberg; big, shameless camp pushed through a thoroughly disgusting, morally depraved filter. Still, in true Twilight fashion, the film still plays it all as a straight, open-hearted romance. I'm glad I don't have to write a full review of this movie because I literally have no idea what to make of it. For better or for worse, Condon has crafted a film too stupid to live, too weird to ignore and too fascinating to not see and not talk about.
This was my first Twilight film seen in a theater and I cannot recommend this experience enough. The enthusiasm people have for this series is so infectious that it's easy to get swept up in it all, even though you're well aware of just how dumb all of it is. When Jacob rips off his shirt thirty seconds into the film, the (mostly female) audience erupted into cheers. When Jacob and Bella discussed the future of her child, a nearby audience member openly wept while I giggled like a sadistic madman. Never mind the increasingly creepy things going on in this series (a werewolf falling in love with a baby; Bella demanding that Edward have sex with her even though he's wrecking her body and literally destroying the bedroom). To the fans, this is bold, beautiful and epic. I've not hidden my belief that all of this is stupid, creepy and thoroughly uncinematic, but it's rare to see a film hold an audience in such a strong thrall. I'm pretty sure that watching these films alone would've been a mind-crushing experience, but seeing the first three amongst friends (with plenty of snark in the air) and seeing Breaking Dawn, Part One amongst devotees made all of this worth it. Now I have to see the last one.